The Lord of the Bracelets
This story is satire. It picks fun
at the Lord of the Rings and
some of the people from school,
but please do not take offence,
or else the sheep will get out.
are small folk. They aren’t short, like dwarves, but they are just small. One
sunny day three of these hobbits were walking through their garden. They were
talking amongst themselves about the lack of adventure in their life. Steven
was the most adventurous of the three and was telling the others imagined tales
of far away places and heroic deeds that awaited them. Kahu, the strongest of
the three hobbits, was not so sure. He liked the peaceful life. He firmly
believed that Hobbits belonged where they belonged. The third member of the
party was Rowan, who was also talking, but no one was listening.
their conversation was interrupted as a man rode in on his trusty steed. The
three hobbits recognized him immediately. He was the famous wizard who often
passed through the area. His horse was known as Yamaha. The Hobbits
didn’t know what that meant, but they all recognised its unique legs that moved
so fast that they looked like wheels.
wizard rode up besides them. “Have any of you hobbits seen Bilbo?” he asked.
Rowan stopped talking (a rare event) for a second and then started again, “He’s
in the house.” The wizard nodded and rode off.
wizard entered the house slowly. Inside was an unusually large hobbit. This
hobbit, known as Bilbo Basset, was a good friend of the wizard. “Hullo?” asked
hello Gandreworf!” said Bilbo, who was also called Kyle, “I was hoping
got your express pigeon. What was it you have discovered?” asked the wizard.
at this,” Bilbo said, retrieving a bracelet from his pocket.
wizard looked at the bracelet, “It doesn’t look like much,” he announced.
this!” said Bilbo and put the bracelet on. Suddenly Bilbo disappeared. He
stayed that way for a few minutes and then took the bracelet off.
An invisible bracelet!” said Gandreworf with a smile.
but look,” Bilbo turned the bracelet over and showed Gandreworf the writing on
the back. “It’s called Fear.”
of people name weapons and things,” Gandreworf said, “but you may be right.
Maybe this is part of the ancient saying.”
saying?” asked Steven, who had just arrived. Behind him crowded Kahu and Rowan.
four bracelets of the Dark Side. First there is Fear, and Fear
leads to Anger, and Anger leads to Hate, and Hate
leads to Suffering. When someone has all four bracelets they will be
able to wield the Dark Side,” explained Gandreworf.
is the Dark Side?” asked Rowan, who wasn’t overly bright.
is the worst evil thing you can think of,” said Gandreworf, and he did not
must destroy this bracelet before anyone can collect them all,” said
throwing it into the rubbish bin that lies on the summit of the Towering
Mountain,” explained Gandreworf.
we must go at once!” exclaimed Steven, who was the adventurous one. Kahu tried
to stop him, but failed.
good, I am glad you feel that way,” Gandreworf said with a smile, “I brought
you all some weapons for the journey.”
four hobbits stood outside as Gandreworf unloaded a bundle from off the back of
Yamaha, his horse. The wizard then proceeded to hand out the various items to
Steven he gave a bow and arrow and a small dagger. Steve accepted these with a
Kahu was given a valiant sword with the name of “Bee-Sting.” It was a good
weapon that would serve him in many battles.
Rowan was given a talking sword. “As you like to talk, this sword will talk for
you if your mouth ever stops.” It never got used.
to Bilbo Basset was given a sword with the name of “Nardia” and a soccer ball
with the name of “Regent”. Bilbo liked the soccer ball better.
mounted his steed and they all started in the direction of the Towering
found the trip was going much slower than he had expected. Although his horse
could go much faster, the hobbits were only walking, and so he had to stay at
had been marching for over four hours and only stopped for six different meals
(hobbits liked to eat). They had
stopped for a seventh when they heard a sound. Suddenly they were surrounded by
one man. When they looked closer they realised it wasn’t a man. It was shorter.
To start with they thought it was a dwarf. Then they realised it wasn’t. Then
they realised it was a stump they were looking at.
a dwarf jumped out from behind the stump. He lifted his battle-axe in
challenge. “Who goes there?” he demanded.
should I know? We go here, not there,” said Gandreworf.
point,” said the dwarf and lowered his axe.
who are you?” asked Gandreworf.
am Eric the Bold!” proclaimed the dwarf.
what were you doing behind that stump?” queried Bilbo.
was talking to my Ex,” explained the dwarf.
you’re divorced?” asked Rowan.
this is Ex,” said the dwarf, lifting his axe. “My axe is named Ex.”
said Gandreworf, “we are going on an important quest. Would you like to join
us? We could use a sturdy dwarf and his hardy battle axe.”
are you going?” asked Eric.
the Towering Mountain,”
interesting. Why are you going?” asked Eric.
dispose of some jewellery.” Said Bilbo.
a noble purpose. I shall certainly join you, good fellows,” said Eric.
group now numbered five, and they continued to proceed toward the Towering
Mountain. They had been journeying for one day when they met their first major
rounded a bend in the track and found their way barred by a massive troll. On
either side of the troll stood a few orcs.
said Gandreworf, “ would you mind awfully letting us past?”
of the orcs strode forward. “I have been sent by my master to arrest you,” it
bother,” said Kahu.
let us past,” begged Rowan.
if you can defeat our troll!” proclaimed the orc.
accept the challenge,” said Gandreworf.
me try!” yelled Bilbo. He kicked the soccer ball, which was named Regent, at
the beast. It bounced off with no effect.
me show you how it’s done!” yelled Eric the dwarf.
raced to meet the troll and swung his axe. He planned to use Ex to chop off the
troll’s head, but he was too short and only chopped off a leg. This annoyed the
troll and he crawled off to sulk.
orcs were also very annoyed. “You are still under arrest. Our master, the One
who Reeks, has ordered us to kill you all!” The orcs began to attack.
hobbits, dwarf, and wizard drew their weapons and joined the battle. Eric’s “Ex”
and Kahu’s “Bee-sting” killed most of the orcs, while Bilbo’s “Nardia”,
Steven’s bow, and Gandreworf’s staff killed the others.
waited long enough for Bilbo to retrieve his soccer ball before continuing.
wasn’t long before they can across another creature. It was an elf. Unlike
hobbits and dwarves, elves are not small. They are generally tall, lean, and
wise. This one was tall and lean.
we eat him?” asked Rowan, who was a hungry hobbit.
I’m a vegetarian,” replied Eric the dwarf.
elf got up and walked over.
I am James Grogaway, the mythical legendary elf!” it said.
others introduced themselves.
are you going?” asked James.
come too,” he said, “I just had a gas leak and this place smells!”
blocked their noses and kept walking.
group had proceeded a short distance when they heard a roar. It came from
behind some bushes. Suddenly, before anyone could react, a wolf leapt out and
charged at James. James let out a yell and ran up a tree to escape. The wolf
pawed the ground beneath and waited for him to fall down.
the dwarf, slowly approached the wolf. Eric liked animals. He patted the wolf
and became friends with it. “I shall call you Musta!” he said.
from then on, Musta was part of the group.
fell out of the tree.
was getting close and the group started looking for somewhere to sleep. They
came across an empty abandoned hut with someone living inside. They knocked on
Who is it?” asked the man inside.
just us,” said Rowan.
then come inside for a while,” said the man.
group all entered the hut, except Musta, who stood guard. They gathered around
a fire and the hobbits ate another meal.
what is your name?” asked Gandreworf.
not sure, I think I forgot,” replied the man, “I think I was Dandal Whitetrack.
Ever since I hit my head I can’t remember anything.”
did you hit your head?” asked James.
can’t remember, I think I was bungee jumping off the moon,” said the man.
like fun,” said Gandreworf.
maybe I should try it sometime,” said the man.
group spent the night at the hut and then, after three breakfasts, bid their
host goodbye. They continued to walk toward the Towering Mountain.
they walked, they began to talk. They asked James what type of weapon he had.
He told them, that like most elves, he had a bow and arrow. He said he was very
good with it.
they stopped for another meal, James drew a target on a nearby tree and tried
to hit it with his arrow. He missed by a mile. He tried again. He missed again.
would help if you turned around and faced the tree,” said Kahu. James tried
that, but still missed.
picked up his bow and arrow. “Let me try,” he said. Steven pulled his bow
taught and let an arrow fly. The arrow landed straight in the centre of the
off,” said James.
said the tree.
Trees don’t normally say that, do they?” asked Steven.
said the tree, “I am an Ent.”
are a what?” asked Rowan.
am an Ent, a walking, talking tree,” said the tree.
hobbits,” said the hobbits.
a dwarf,” said Eric.
an elf,” said James.
a wizard,” said Gandreworf.
tree said its name was Tahi. “Hello Tahi,” said the hobbits. They asked him if
he would like to come with them on their quest.
I’m much too busy, but if you ever need help, just call.” Said Tahi.
Musta saw a rabbit and chased it. Eric saw Musta leave and chased him. Tahi saw
Eric leave and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll get him back for you.”
started running after Eric. Tahi ran like a tree, which he was.
the rabbit went down a hole that Musta couldn’t. Eric caught up with him and
panted, he was exhausted. “I’ll have to teach you to chase only vegetables.”
came lumbering up behind them. “Oh, there you are, you’d better head back,” he
yet, I’m too tired,” said Eric.
me to my house,” said Tahi, “I’ll give you a drink.”
they got to Tahi’s house, Tahi gave Eric a cup with funny looking water in it.
an Ent-drink,” said Tahi, “It will make you grow big and tall.”
drank it all.
the rest of the group had kept walking. James began to get very annoyed with
the way Rowan kept talking all the time. He got so frustrated that he got a
piece of cloth and gagged Rowan so he couldn’t talk.
Rowan’s sword started talking instead. James tried to gag it too, but he just
cut his fingers.
Tahi, Eric, and Musta bounded onto the track. Everyone looked at Eric in
George! I think you’ve grown! Now you’re just short, not very-very short,” said
it was the drink Tahi gave me that did it,” Eric explained.
drink some more and get as big as us,” said James.
used it all up getting this big,” explained Tahi.
said goodbye to Tahi and kept going. Suddenly a group of orcs jumped in front
“Boo!” said the orcs.
of the orcs died from fright.
other orcs spoke to the group of travellers, “We have orders from our master,
the One who Reeks, that say we have to arrest you.”
other orcs already tried that,” said Kahu, “and they had a troll as well, but
we killed them.”
said the orcs, clearly discouraged, “We will try to arrest you anyway. If you
manage to defeat us, you will be caught when the orcs and their allies join
are your allies?” asked Rowan.
not allowed to tell you that our allies are the axe-throwing trolls and the
goblins,” said the orcs.
pleased to meet you and all, but now we are going to kill you,” said the orcs
and they began to attack.
ran ahead and chopped one orc in half, “Hey, look at that, I can reach their
waist now, before I could only get their legs.”
drew his sword, Bee-sting, and joined his friend in battle.
charged and ate one of the orcs (he was hungry).
put an arrow in his bow, but accidentally shot himself in the foot.
battle was swift, but quick. The orcs were all killed and none of the
travellers were injured.
what now?” asked Steven.
should try and tell the king that the orcs are allying with the goblins and the
trolls,” said Bilbo, “It isn’t far out of our way.”
agree,” said Gandreworf.
group walked (Gandreworf rode Yamaha) toward the fortress of Hardhat. “We are
getting close now,” said Gandreworf.
a human guard jumped onto the road. “Who goes there?” it demanded.
do!” said Rowan.
to meet a truthful chap for once,” said the guard. “What do you want?”
want to talk to the king of Hardhat,” said Gandreworf.
follow me,” said the guard.
entered a largish room and walked toward a throne where a man sat, probably the
king. Everyone bowed except Eric (he was short enough anyway).
can I do for you, good sirs?” asked King Isaac.
he talking to?” asked Rowan.
I think,” said Steven.
have some important news,” said Gandreworf, “The orcs are joining forces and
allying with the trolls and goblins.”
We beat them to that!” said King Isaac, “We allied with the elves and the
said Eric and James, “No one told us.”
on a second,” said Steven, “I thought the orcs already worked with the trolls.”
the orc-trolls,” said King Isaac, “There are different kinds of trolls. The
cave trolls live in caves and can’t come into the sunlight without turning into
stone, and the axe-thrower trolls are smaller, but smarter and deadly with a
said Steven, “what’s for lunch?”
travellers ate a hearty meal with the King of Hardhat and were suddenly
interrupted when the Queen of the Elves walked in.
said King Isaac.
Queen nodded but did not say anything.
hobbits, wizard, dwarf, and elf introduced themselves.
before me,” demanded the Queen, I am Rihanna, Queen of the Elves!”
tried to bow, but fell over.
turned to King Isaac, “The elves are assembled; we are ready to fight.”
good,” said the King.
they were interrupted again as a scruffy looking dwarf entered the room, “I am Ryan,
chief of the dwarves, all the dwarvish battle squads and demo teams are present
and accounted for.”
good,” said the King.
human guard entered, “All your soldiers are armed and ready to go, my liege.”
good,” said the King.
you say anything else?” said Rowan.
combined army of the dwarves, elves, and humans began to march toward the
orcish fortress of Bigwhole. “We go to victory!” said the King.
the Alliance!” said everyone else.
they all started marching.
travellers followed the army for a while, but then Eric said he knew a
short-cut. “Dwarves like tunnels, and I know a tunnel that goes from here
almost all the way to Bigwhole,” he proclaimed.
it quicker than this way?” asked Gandreworf.
then let’s go!” said James.
tunnel was only small, so only the travellers went that way. The army kept
travellers got to the mouth of the tunnel and began the long, dark journey to
the other side of the hill.
was a fairly boring trip, so to pass the time James began to talk,
are we?” he asked, “A group of elves is called a elvmarch, and a group of
dwarves is called a squad or a team, and men are called a squadron, or a troop,
or a group, or a team, or a platoon. What do we call a group of one elf, one
dwarf, one wolf, one wizard, four hobbits, and a horse called Yamaha?”
don’t know,” said Rowan.
it a fellowship,” said Gandreworf.
a dumb name,” said James.
fellowship had been travelling through the tunnel for many hours when suddenly
someone said, “BOO!”
was that?” asked Gandreworf.
think it was me,” said Rowan, embarrassed.
you sure?” asked Gandreworf.
not really,” said Rowan, “I talk so much that I can’t remember what I have
all shut up and see if it happens again,” suggested Gandreworf.
all stopped talking, and then the sword started. They managed to get that to
shut up too, and then they all listened.
said someone again.
that you, Rowan?” asked Gandreworf.
was me!” said the someone.
said that?” asked Gandreworf.
did. I’m Jastun, the cave troll! BOO!” said the voice.
are you going to do?” asked Gandreworf.
you. I’m very hungry,” said Jastun.
fellowship started running for the end of the tunnel. James was the first one
out of the tunnel, and Rowan was the last. He was slowest and the cave troll
caught him and prepared to eat him.
had run so fast that he thought his hair might be messed up, so he got out a
mirror. He accidentally reflected light into the tunnel and shone it on the
troll. The Troll let out a roar and turned into stone.
let out a sigh, “My hair is all messed up!”
didn’t care, he escaped from the stone troll and joined the others.
started to run away from the tunnel, and ran into another troll. This one
wasn’t as big as the cave troll, if fact, it was about the size of an elf. Unlike
the lack of intelligence evident on the cave troll’s face, the face of this
troll betrayed a remarkable intelligence.
again,” said Rowan.
I mean you no harm,” said the troll.
are you?” demanded Gandreworf.
am Abellfree, an axe-thrower,” said the troll.
you are allies with the orcs!” proclaimed Rowan.
of my people, the Axetrolls, have joined the orc army, but I would never serve
under such a master as the orcish do. I will never serve the One who Reeks!”
is this One who Reeks that we keep hearing about?” queried Bilbo.
is the master of the orcs. His name is Rodireeka. He is a cruel, evil, stupid
person who mistreats all who serve him,” explained Abellfree.
why do the other axe-throwers serve him?” asked Bilbo.
are too frightened to stand up against him. Only I openly oppose him. If
Rodireeka was killed then all the axetrolls would revolt and flee from his
army,” Abellfree promised.
is a large army coming this way to fight the orcs, if we could get rid of this
Rodireeka then would the trolls join the alliance?” asked Gandreworf.
they would not join an alliance of men, but they would fight besides them
against the orcs, and then go their own way in peace,” explained Abellfree.
understand. If it is your wish to depose this One who Reeks, then we will do
what we can to help you,” promised Gandreworf.
am honoured by your assistance, follow me,” said Abellfree as he headed toward
a back entrance of the fortress Bigwhole.
Isaac led the troops of the Alliance toward the fortress Bigwhole. They were
almost there. The king lifted up his hand and called the Elvish Queen and the
Dwarvish Chief to his side.
the troops prepared to charge?” he asked.
Aye, sir,” said the Dwarvish Chief.
Elves are at your command,” said the Queen.
we will charge!” said the king. He turned to face the troops. He raised his
flag high into the air and issued his battle cry, “We go to Victory!”
troops raised one loud voice, “For the Alliance!!!!”
troops, men, elves, and dwarves charged down the hill toward the fortress
orcs were currently sleeping off the effects of a late night’s party, but the axetrolls
were wide-awake and spotted the charging army first. They let out a mighty roar
that awoke the sleeping orcs and charged into battle.
Isaac watched grimly as the first of his men reached the horde of orcs and
trolls. The swords of men and the axes of dwarves shimmered in the sunlight as
they clashed with the ugly blades of orcs and the spears of goblins. The
axe-throwers stood at a distance, hurling axes at the Alliance troops. The
Elvish archers likewise stood back, picking off troops from a safe distance.
battle has begun,” said the Elvish Queen.
send in the heavy firepower!” ordered the king.
sir,” said the Dwarvish chief, “I like blowing things up!”
dwarvish demo teams charged into the battle, hurling explosive barrels filled
with gunpowder and a lighted fuse sticking out the end. The resulting
explosions left great holes in the orcish ranks, allowing the Alliance troops
battle goes well,” pronounced the Queen.
it seems,” agreed the King.
under earth is that?” exclaimed the dwarvish chief.
a great two-headed troll from the deep south,” the King said in disbelief.
huge pink blob with two heads charged toward the Alliance forces, squashing many
unlucky orcs as it came. It would decimate the Alliance forces if something
way, kill that dwarf,” said one head.
way, kill that elf!” said the other head.
always argued like this.
the fortress Bigwhole, Rodireeka, the One who Reeks, watched the battle from
his window. The two-headed troll was a powerful weapon, as were the
reinforcements he had hidden inside the fort. There were two squads of orcs and
four squads of trollish axe-throwers. The victory would be his.
his doors burst open and in strode a weird collection of creatures, four small
hobbits, one not-so-short dwarf, one elf, one wizard, one weird looking horse,
and one wolf.
do you want?” demanded Rodireeka.
want you to surrender,” replied Gandreworf.
don’t always get what you want,” replied Rodireeka.
demand you surrender!” yelled Rowan.
likely,” said Rodireeka.
we will have to do battle,” said Kahu.
thing,” said Rodireeka, lifting his sleeve, “I wear Suffering, one of
the four bracelets of the Dark Side.”
lifted up his voice, “I carry Fear, another of the bracelets.”
bracelet only makes you invisible, but mine gives me power,” said Rodireeka
with a grin.
yelled Eric as he and Musta raced to meet the foe.
now,” said Rodireeka and raised his hand and forced them back.
fair!” yelled Eric.
fair in love and war,” said Rodireeka, “especially war.”
turn,” said Bilbo, and he kicked the soccer ball at Rodireeka. The soccer ball
had no effect.
what Tahi said,” suggested Steven, “just call for help and he’ll come.”
We could use some help!” the hobbits yelled.
never appeared, but they heard his answering call from a distance, “It wasn’t
have to try something else,” said Steven.
tried to load his bow, but shot himself in the other foot.
walked slowly forward, “So, it is a duel between us, is it not?”
would appear so,” said Rodireeka as he drew his sword, the infamous Stinkyfeet.
meet your demise with honour,” said Gandreworf as he struck with his blade.
parried, and they began a long duel, of which neither gained an upper hand.
would have kept fighting for hours, but someone crept up behind the distracted
Rodireeka. The One who Reeks fell like a sack of potatoes as Abellfree threw an
axe through him.
battle was raging down below when Abellfree mounted the top of the fortress
Bigwhole and yelled with all his might, “The One who Reeks has fallen, we are
freed from his grip!”
axetrolls in the battlefield below suddenly stopped attacking the Alliance and
started attacking the orcs. One aimed a powerful blow to each of the two-headed
troll’s heads, and the troll came tumbling down.
from an unexpected quarter,” said the Queen.
is ours,” said the King.
war grand!” exclaimed the dwarf.
fellowship bid goodbye to Abellfee as he led his Axetrolls away from Bigwhole.
The Alliance forces had slaughtered the orcs, and were now completely
fellowship said farewell to the Alliance, and then continued on their quest.
They had retrieved Rodireeka’s bracelet, and now had two to dispose of.
Towering Mount was not far away, and they soon began climbing up its slope. The
journey to the summit took all day. By the time they arrived it was dark, and
they retired for the night.
the sun peeked it’s head over the horizon, the fellowship found themselves in
front of a strange old man.
was wondering if you would wake up,” he explained.
did,” said Rowan.
can see that,” said the man.
are you?” asked Gandreworf.
am Roberto, the keeper of the recycle bin,” said the man.
was under the impression there was a rubbish bin up here somewhere,” said
but if you want to get rid of something for ever, put it in the recycle bin,”
will happen to it?” asked Bilbo.
will be deleted, destroyed, never to be seen again,” said Roberto.
that suits us,” said Gandreworf.
me,” said Roberto.
fellowship stood before a large metal container. “Please throw the items in,”
solemnly tossed the bracelets into the recycle bin.
you,” said Roberto, “please stand back.”
took a mouse out of his pocket (the mouse squirmed and squeaked) and hit the
recycle bin with it. The area of the bin that he hit had the words “empty
was a sudden noise from the bin and a light seemed to glow from inside it. Then
it was over.
fellowship approached the bin and looked inside. The bin was empty.
I said, it has been permanently deleted now,” said Roberto.
fellowship descended the Towering Mountain. They had completed their mission;
their quest was over.
hungry,” said Rowan.
I’m running a bit short of food too,” said Eric.
just plain short,” said James.
hungry,” said Rowan.
smiled, and pointed, “Look over there, it’s a couple of Rangers.”
are Rangers?” asked Rowan (wondering if he could eat them).
are people who travel from land to land (mostly between places called Australia
and Canada) and they often have food to sell,” explained Gandreworf.
exclaimed Rowan, “I’m famished.”
Rangers sold a great deal of food that day, and the fellowship ate until their
sides began to burst.
I have your attention?” asked Gandreworf.
sat down and began to listen, except Bilbo, who was kicking his soccer ball.
all did very well,” began Gandreworf.
fell off his seat.
now it’s time to go home!”
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